Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

It’s so (adjective. Limited to four: great, tremendous, huge, fantastic.) to be here. I love (place name). Love giving speeches to (name of organization). The lying media said I wouldn’t (verb). Wrong! They are the (superlative adjective). They said I did not get a /an (adjective) (noun) or that my (plural noun) are small. That’s a lie. Total (adjective) news. But I love the people here in (different place name). Love the (totally different organization). They’ve always (verb, past tense) me. Love you guys.

You know, I just fired (name of literally any famous person). I was firing people before anybody else. Before it was (adverb/adjective combo. Make your life simple. Just use “bigly big” here). On my TV show, which, you know, had the (superlative adjective) ratings of any TV show ever in (hyperbolic phrase) People said, “Donald, you gotta (verb) that guy. He’s terrible, terrible. I didn’t want to. Didn’t want to. But I did. To stop the (plural noun) from (verb ending in -ing) here. To make (noun) (adjective) again.

You know who’s tremendous, tremendous friend? (name of dead dictator) Love that guy. (Two adjectives) guy. People don’t understand him. He’s got a really big (noun). He’s doing really (adjective) things, my friend (slight mispronunciation of name of dead dictator), who is a good friend of mine. And we’re going to be doing so much together, (name of character in fiction). You know, they gave me a standing (noun) in (name of country not found on any map) and I wasn’t even there. You know this, right? (Pejorative) (plural noun) didn’t even report it!

But we’ll be doing (adjective) things, (adjective) things. We want tougher (plural noun). We want border (noun). We want a/an (adjective) ban on all people who are (religion) which is so not a ban on (same religion), no matter what the (plural nouns) want you to believe. We’re gonna give you such (adverb) (adjective) healthcare! You’ll be so tired of (verb ending in –ing)! And women! Oh, I love the women. No one cares about women more than me. I’m telling you, ladies, we’re going to (verb) the absolute (noun) out of you. And we’ll get rid of the (plural noun), the (adjective) science people pushing (adjective) ideas about (noun), those education people thingie type persons who believe in public education for all kids—hoax! They want kids to be able to (verb) and (verb), and they want government to pay for it! Your taxes going for that instead of (luxury items) for people like (Congressperson or Senator) who works so hard he hasn’t even had time to go to (name of store) to buy his own Grand Dragon (type of clothing). Can you believe these (adjective) guys? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And all these (three adjectives, all the same) laws. Terrible. Who needs so many laws? We’ll get rid of the laws and get (name of planet) to pay for it.

Look: I got a standing ovation, okay? There were (bigly number) of people there. And they wouldn’t sit down, okay? Some of ‘em stood so long they got (medical condition), which is now a pre-existing condition, and they (dire verb, past tense). Still, they gave me a thumbs-up as they (verb, past tense). (Adjective) people. They love me. Love me.

But there are people who are total (plural noun). I don’t like to name names, but this Merriam Webster. What kind of name is that? Probably from (name of Pokemon character). Merriam Webster. (Adjective) person. Total (noun). Thinks because she throws around a lot of (adjective) (plural noun), she’s somebody. I tried reading one of her books. Boring! Hardly any pictures. Yeah, Merriam Webster. A real (noun).

Again: There were (very high number) of (plural noun) at my (type of event), okay? The Fire Marshall had to (verb ending in –ing. Yes, we know that makes no grammatical sense. Roll with it.) Didn’t want to—HAD to. And my (body part, plural) are not (adjective). Not by a long shot.

Benghazi. Birth certificate. Obama. Drugs and rapists. Pizza pedophiles. CNN. I don’t know (foreign dictator). We never did (vacation activity) together. Uh, did I say CNN? Her emails. Except when her emails get (name of politician) fired, which, again, I made into a thing, so, technically, I should get money anytime anybody gets fired. Where is Sean (last name made into catch phrase)? Is he hiding in the (location) again? Last time, we had to use the Jaws of Life to pull him out of (other location).

The (plural noun) didn’t think I’d win. They didn’t think I’d win. Boy, were they wrong. So wrong. WRONG. But they (mangled verb) the (noun) of the people. Never (verb) the people. Unless you’re Congress. We’ve got a (adjective) Congress, by the way. Lots of (adverb) (adjective) (plural noun) in Congress. Tell Congress how much you love them! Tell them: (Exclamation), Congress!

My daughter (Name of children’s toy or Saturday morning cartoon)? Tremendous. She’s now (high-ranking position) in charge of all (plural noun). And my son-in-law, (name of 1920s gangster), a tremendous (noun), is now (two high-ranking positions) and also (two more high-ranking positions) and he’s also going to grow all our food inside his (body part). He’s got (adjective) ideas and he can get you a (noun), unlike these Washington elites. Terrible people. (Adjective) people. Don’t want me to do anything even though I got (impossibly high number) of standing (plural noun) that lasted (very long period of time) and was written about in (fictional galaxy). If you’ve got $500K to spend, give (name of 1920s gangster) a call. Or come visit us in (name of building), which we like to call the (adjective) (place name).

It’s an honor to be here at (totally different place name). This was the (superlative adjective) speech you’ve ever heard, and we will protect (plural noun) and build a (noun) around all the golf courses, and make (famous dead singer) pay for it. May God bless you and yours. That’s our new healthcare policy, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Even though they’re telling me you’re sprawled on the floor, and some of you are (verb ending in -ing), in my heart, which is the (superlative adjective) heart–even (name of any famous person, living or dead) says so–I know you’re all standing up for me and for this (noun).

Let’s make America (adjective) again.