Good morning, RNC staffers! Rise and shine. It’s me, Bob, your RNC point person for today, which is Tuesday in case you’ve forgotten–haha! Day Two, and the excitement’s just begun!
So last night was fantastic, right? Yuuuge success! Incredible, really. Honestly, what can I say that hasn’t already been said better and by Michelle Obama eight years ago? We are going to America so good today it’ll make people go, “Whoa! I am so full of America I feel PREGNANT with America!”
Okay. I know we’re all excited, but first, a couple of housekeeping matters before we get to tonight’s run-of-show. Tyler—you’ll be manning the Make America Grill Again table for the Trump Steaks Club sign-up. Remind folks that they can get an extra rump roast if they manage to vote more than once in November. Monica: You forgot to turn off Tom Cotton’s battery pack last night and he’s pretty much frozen. I know. No, I know it’s hard to tell whether he’s on or off; you have to use the finger-snap-blink-response test. Just load him on the golf cart and wheel him over to Cheney’s lab, please? Thanks. Steve: Ben Carson’s in the fountain again. Yes, we have all explained it’s not a magic portal to UnicornLand. Just…get him out. Skip: I’m gonna need you to make a Party Barn run for more dry ice. After last night’s The Donald: The Rising, everybody wants to enter with smoke and green ice. At least I put the kibosh on Paul Ryan flying in on a Freedom Harness.
Pamphleteers? Where are you? Oh, over there. Great. Okay. Fresh from Kinko’s, here are your one-sheet packets. Lay them out nice and neat so people can grab them on the way in. We’ve got, “Trump Science: It’s Time to Make Earth Flat Again.” “Facts, Schmacts: The Left’s Dishonest Campaign to Confuse You with Information.” “Climate Change Condo Buy-In: Trump Beachfront Property in Ohio for only 10% Down! Buy Now Before the Rush!” “Devil’s in the Details: Alex Jones Proves that Satan Designs Hil-LAIR-y’s Pantsuits Made from Radical Islamic Terrorist Fabric Line Manufactured at Bohemian Grove Sleepaway Camp!” Great stuff. Just great.
Also, we’ve got some projects to keep the little ones busy in our RNC Kids’ Korner, if somebody can set that up. Let’s see, there’s “Muhammad Ali, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O’Neal: A Christian Sports Stars Coloring Book!” A picture book, The Art of the Deal, Jr. A card game: “One Fish, Two Fish, White Fish, White Fish, White Fish, White Fish.” And, of course, some Benghazi Bingo cards.
Now. Where are my motivation teams? Wave to me, please? Fantastic! Lets see those smiles! Bigger. Biiiggerr! Great! Spread those smiles around today! Get close to folks! Hug ‘em! Then whisper, “You are not safe. You are never, ever, ever safe.”
Okay. It’s Day 2, and I don’t need to tell you we’ve got a full slot today.
In the Quicken Loans Arena Registration Center, there’s an open mic from 3-4:00 PM. I see from the sign-up sheet that Chris Christie is bringing his one-man performance piece, Letters to Bruce: Boss, Why You Don’t Take My Calls No More? The MINUTE the Governor starts crying and singing, “You’re the One,” you’ve got to cut the mic. We need him game-face ready for tonight. If he gives you any lip, you just tell him Rick Perry is already in hair and makeup and ready to take over.
In the Quicken Loans Arena Cosplay Room, Basement B-112, our costumes should be pressed and good to go. Men’s costumes include Thomas Jefferson, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Wayne LaPierre, Magnum P.I., Tom Brady, Toby Keith, the cast of “Duck Dynasty,” Robert E. Lee, Buff Jesus Christ, and Bruce Willis. Women’s costumes are Betsy Ross and last month’s Playboy Playmate.
At 4:30 SHARP, it’s Early Bird Special time. Do NOT open the pudding station late. You will regret it. There’s a meet-and-greet with Emperor Palpatine in the buffet line and Iron Throne photo ops at 5:00. Pre-show starts promptly at 6:00 with The Rudy Giuliani Rage Against the Machine Dancers, Swimsuit competition, Crowning of Miss Trump Towers, and the modified airplane version of “On Golden Pond.” Skip: Hit the air siren for wake-up call at 7:55 but not at full blast; we’ve got a lot of people with pacemakers. At 8:00, it’s time for our speakers! Right now, we’ve got Dana White, Mitch McConnell, Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Hologram Charlton Heston, the Ghost of Nero, Vlad the Impaler, & a sentient AK-47 that fires digitized sperm bullets at a mock-up map of Planned Parenthood clinics shaped like uteruses which then morph into smiling, pregnant, Christian white women all decked out in Trump BabyHands(TM) Maternity Wear.
Martin, your job is to make sure Scott Baio does not also try to impregnate the map. I’m very serious. He’s quick. You have to watch him like a toddler.
When Tim Tebow comes out and goes down on one knee, that’s the signal to release the balloons. No, for real—release them. We told them they were coming to Cleveland for a child’s birthday party. No balloons would volunteer, people, and decisions had to be made. They’re in a back room of the Quicken Loans Arena high on helium, disoriented, and frightened. No, not the speakers, the balloons. Try to keep up, people. WE ARE PEAK AMERICANING TODAY!
There’s a perception spread by the Lame-stream media that the RNC is out-of-step with the younger generation, which is ridiculous, just ridiculous! Whoever started that is a loser, okay? A clown! Donald Trump is the most in touch with the younger generation, so in touch that most people just can’t understand it. It’s like he’s Indiana Jones knowing not to look at the Ark because God–who is on record as voting for Trump in November according to some very good friends of mine, high-ranking, top-dollar friends–God would turn those dopes into puddles of candle jelly. By the way, Hollywood wanted Donald Trump to play Indiana Jones but he was too busy. You can tell from Harrison Ford’s body language in those movies that something weird is going on and that he knows he was second choice, which must be killing him, okay? Loser. What important roles has Harrison Ford ever played, okay? Total. Failure. Still. We’ll prove how wrong the media is about Trump and the young people, so Skip, put up lots of pictures on Swiffer and The Facebooks, and, uh, what’s that Polaroid thingy? Right, Instant Grahams. Like the cereal? Martha and I eat cereal every night before bed. Love cereal. What? Insta…wha? Instagram? Stupid name. Kids these days are stupid. They’re losers and clowns. Whatever. Just do it, Skip. Thanks.
A reminder: We have got to be out of the Quicken Loans Arena by midnight. If we’re having any trouble clearing the floor, that’s your go-signal to bring out Mike Flynn. He can clear a room quick.
REMEMBER: WE ARE THE WINNERS! AMERICA WANTS TO FEEL OUR MUSCLES! AMERICA IS WINKING AT US! MAYBE AMERICA HAS A HOT SISTER WHO IS ALSO NAMED AMERICA AND SHE WILL GO HOME WITH US AFTER THE SHOW!
Finally, we will close with a local pastor, Pastor Bob, who, if asked, is not being indicted on 12 counts of fraud—okay?—but is a great, great guy, the greatest preacher since Jesus. I didn’t say that, by the way–it’s in the Bible. In Two Corinthian Leathers. Look it up. And even if it’s not technically in there it could be in there which is just as good as actually being there as everybody who isn’t a total dummy-loser-clown-clown-loserpantsface knows. Anyway. Pastor Bob will ask everyone to bow their heads as he gives the benediction: “God give us the strength to smite our enemies: Hillary, immigrants, anchor babies, loud birds, books, Hillary, terrorists, Barack Obama, house plants that need watering because that’s socialism, cans that are hard to open, losers, clowns, dummies, gay people except for any gay people singing songs we might want to use at the convention, abortions, non-hot women, Liberal Hollywood, Liberal Media, Liberal Liberals, parallel parking, whoever canceled “Matlock”, Hillary, radio stations that won’t play Ted Nugent Two-fer Tuesday, Affirmative Action, non-stretch pants, HBO, government handouts—except for my Medicare and FEMA flood check, gun control, female Ghostbusters, Harry Potter, the Prius, people who only leave a little bit of toilet paper on the roll, did I say Hillary?, breaking in a new pair of slippers, too many sofa pillows, Cool Ranch Doritos, the Internet, new things, the future, hope, other people’s dogs, other people’s cats, other people’s children, other people’s feelings, other people’s needs, other people’s rights, other people’s tears, other people’s anguish, other people’s misfortunes, other people’s dreams, other people’s atoms, other people. In Jesus’s name, let us pray for unity and peace. Amen.”
It’s go-time, people!
Now, let’s get out there and America like it’s the very last day of America.