Good evening, Cleveland.


*Looks to teleprompter*

Ben Carson.

Folks, I am concerned for the future of this great nation under God if Hillary Clinton is crowned President in November. I want to tell you about Hillary’s unholy agenda as put forth in her college thesis.

A thesis is a paper you write in college if you are an elitist. I Googled it. My Google is made of string and aluminum foil connected to an old Impala battery with googly eyes on top. It scorches my tongue when I connect it with jumper cables the way Steve King told me to, but I trust him. He is from Iowa, where the Pharoah’s granaries live.

Anyway, according to my battery-operated Google, Hillary’s thesis advisor, Better Call Saul, dedicated his book “To Lucifer…the first radical.” Is this who we want leading our God-Fearing nation? A President with LadyParts who cavorts with the Devil?

I am here tonight to tell you what will happen if Hillary Clinton scores a President Goal at the World Cup of America in November.

Number One: If Hillary Clinton is President, we will all have to eat Devil’s food cake. We have certain inalienable rights, to Twinkies and Little Debbie oatmeal pies and those Hunt’s snack pack puddings with the pull-top rings. Sometimes Mike Pence opens mine for me but only if I promise to “sing that one Michael Jackson song I like.”

Would Lucifer open my pudding snack packs? No. He wouldn’t.
You know why? Because he’s the Devil, and the Devil is mean.
Besides, his fingernails are really long and gnarly which means he probably can’t open a pull-ring top, either.
I’ll bet Lucifer gets manicures, which is a homosexual thing to do.
I don’t open pull-tops because I’m a surgeon with Gifted Hands.

I want to tell you more about what Hillary and her Vice-President, Mr. Homosexual Manicure Lucifer, will do.

For one, there’s the Devil’s Food cake issue, which I just told you about and which you can find out more about on, which is a website I have personally funded with my own money from the sale of my book, Where Is Cuba, Again?

Okay. Number Two: Hillary and Lucifer will empty all the grain from the Pharoah’s granaries out in Iowa and Egypt, which is part of America if you believe the Bible, like I do. This is how they fund Head Start and other communist school programs: Soylent Green is people. And free breakfast is made from Pharaoh grain stolen from the Heartland. Don’t be fooled.

Number Five: Secular Progressives. I personally have a pair of progressives and they help with my reading at night, but it is a fact that if you wear Secular Progressives, you cannot read the Bible and you will start reading about science and climate change and watching John Oliver. My progressives allow you to see into the core of the 6,000-year-old earth where the Devil’s minions manufacture ISIS fighters like in that documentary, “The Lord of the Rings,” which is okay to watch because it has Lord in the title.

This is what happened to the Unicorns, by the way. ISIS got them.

Mike told me if Donald Trump is elected, I can be Minister of Unicorns.

I will feed them pudding snacks.

Number Ten: Hillary and Lucifer will come for your guns. You know why? Because if you have guns, you can demand a change to the menu. If you say, “I don’t want Devil’s Food Cake! Bring me one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes that are so good! And put some dang Cool Whip like on top like they do at Denny’s and as guaranteed in the Bill of Rights where one of our Founding Fathers, John McAdams, who is not Rachel’s cousin, by the way—I Googled that, too, which is why my tongue’s a little swollen today; sometimes Steve forgets to take off the cables—John McAdams said, “Give me Cool Whip or give me death!” Our Founding Fathers were awesome. I wish I could make a time machine with my Gifted Hands and go back to the 1600’s and give them all pudding snacks.

And if Lucifer marched into Congress and tried to shoot us with his pitchfork devil guns, I wouldn’t just take it. I’d yell, “Hey, everybody! Let’s attack him! He can’t get us all!” Then, as America’s Minister of Unicorns, I’d charge Lucifer, and I know Steve and Mike and The Donald would be right behind me, because we are friends, and they are going to invite me to their country clubs for golf any day now.

Don’t let America go to the Devil.
Guard your guns and your Twinkies.
Thank you and may God bless you all.

*Whispers* Where do I go now?

Wait, are we in Cleveland still?

Can I have my pudding snack now, Mike?

We still friends?

I made you a lanyard bracelet. With my Gifted Hands.

I really need some pudding, Mike.